In my life I have experienced my fair share of tragedy, loss, ill health, and bad luck. I have never felt that I have been given more than my share. Pitying myself has never been option. Through childhood trauma, to parental grief, to my own ailing health, and the loss of others, I have remained as steadfast as anyone. Nothing particularly outstanding or noteworthy in my mind.
I have seen so many others tried and tested beyond anything I have ever experienced. Everyone of them gifted with Grace and shear will. I have never ever thought of putting myself in their sphere. However, throughout my life, I have often been told, “Corey you are the strongest and bravest person I have known. Your mind and determination are simply unparalleled.” Funny, I couldn’t feel further than such a person. Over the last fours years, I have endured divorce and anorexia, followed now by the loss of our Jack and Julia Bleu’s cancer. I have been without Grace, or strength which would have enabled me to walk with my head held high. Instead I flopped, flailed, and utterly failed.
So yesterday some more personal bad news. This time about my little Julia Bleu. She has a cancerous growth it was determined. I instantly called my ex-wife in Europe. It was the same as usual, nothing different: “Corey you are so strong, you can do this there is nobody like you.” She was right, there is nobody quite like me. I am weak, I am worn, I can hardly stand straight. Why can’t they see, I am not all that strong? I am afraid, and fearful, of my failing body. I have hidden the ravages of anorexia from all those I love. It’s taken its toll on my body and my mind. It has robbed me of what strength I used to embrace. Its robbed me of my mad determination to succeed. I don’t know anymore, I haven’t the fight.
I am lonely in my closet of secrets. Trying to spare my loved ones they have no idea how ill-equipped I am now. Maybe before I had the will, strength and determination. Now I am weak, unsure, so unsteady in my will. I cry silently, the tears dropping from my soul. I messed myself up with my insidious disease. It robbed me of so much, and now much is needed. I must dig deep, the hole feels so hollow. I can’t let Bella, or Julia Bleu down. Oh I wish I could share my truth: you were all right, I was killing myself. I am left with a shell of what used to be me. Hidden by clothes, and my silence of words I do not share.
I am Corey, I can not fail, can not fall, and I will not admit defeat. I guess I will fight with the little bit of will I have uncovered inside. Maybe, I am that strong, with mad determination? My mind once made up, IS the most powerful tool. Perhaps this is God’s way, of challenging me to well? I can not be sick for if I am sick I can not be; all things people need and count on me to do.
So just maybe as my tears dry up and I adjust my posture, it is time to prove to myself and nobody else, that I am the strongest and the bravest, or at least one of them. Nobody believed I could return from this illness. I for sure, did not think it was possible. However, shear love for the ones I love most, wills me on to well; so from well I can BE. I pray please help me. I can not do this alone. I am often mocked for my faith, and my belief in the Divine. I wear my cross, with knowing the dangers: ridicule, laughter, and even personal harm. I have only made it, as far as I am, with the Divine inspiration of the God above. I am fine if I lost you, or if you don’t believe. There have been many who professed not to believe. Who upon hearing of beloved Jack’s death, turned to prayer’s and of speaking of heaven. So maybe I know just a little more, I believe in the best of times and not just in loss. I know that everyday I am fortunate enough to live and love once more, it is because of the Divine it is simple and true.
I pray for Divine strength and my mad determination, please. I am needed, I am wanted, and I will not lay down and crumble. I pray you are with me, because I am digging really deep. My life is important perhaps the greatest lesson of them all.
BORN THIS WAY-2016