This morning I slept way in almost to 5:00 am. Very unusually late for me, especially on a Saturday morning. I awoke immediately with the sunken sick feeling that one week ago, Jack was here with us. Now he lays portioned in the first floor hallway, in three oak bags covered in green satchels. It is beyond words although death is inevitable, that Jack was alive here just one week ago. I was filled with worry but Jack gave all signs he was quickly turning the corner.
My ex-wife just texted from Budapest. They are anxiously waiting to get on a plane to bring them to Boston and finally get home. She said something telling I didn’t let get by me. She said, everything was so surreal, and coming home to no Jack would take some time. I explained to her how jarring it was, to pick Jack up all apportioned into three. Silence I met on the end of the phone. Tonight and tomorrow my family is going to be a wreck. I am worried most about my young daughter, Bella. She hasn’t been the same since the word of his passing. There is going to be so hard on her heart. Jack filled up his very own spot.
I sit and wonder why blog again, about Jack dying and still not moving along. For sure people are sick of these sad, sorry blogs. But my head and heart are filled with nothing else. None of us have experienced great loss in a while. Bella has never experienced it in her short life.
I have been thinking hard of why Jackson’s death. Here is a few of the remarkable thoughts I have procured:
Jack died here with me by his side. I should be honored and thankfully for such a deed. My Bella was spared the trauma of finding a dead dog, and for that I will always be thankful to Jack.
Secondly, it that wasn’t enough. His actual dying probably saved Julia Bleu’s life. See I had just taken her to another vet for her annual checkup. They said she was healthy and good for a year. When Jack passed and Julia Bleu stopped eating, I brought her back to the vet who last treated Jack. He was thorough and good, and examined her closely. Just by chance finding a lump on her backside. He said, “Let’s aspirate it just to be sure. I am sure it is nothing but let’s play it safe.”
He continued to explain to me all about grieving. How animals go through it and it can be rather tough. So we left the vets and would wait twenty five minutes to hear back from the vet. As you most know the news was not good. Yes a tumor, yes cancer to boot. Surgery immediately to try and save her life.
Could Jack’s death actually saved Julia Bleu’s life? I can tell you this she wouldn’t have seen another vet for a year. Jack’s time had come, look he was 16 years old. But he died and spared Bella, and I will say saved Julia Bleu’s life. He did so much in life that can’t be explained, but in DYING he continued his fabled history. To spare my Bella and save tiny Julia Bleu, is the ultimate in living and dying as well. Jack knew what he was doing we wanted one last day; on a full stomach and a trip out into the yard he graciously passed away.
So tonight or tomorrow my family will gather, and we truly will begin the grieving process for sure. Jack’s death has taught me much with each passing day. He reminded me to remember how fragile life is….since Jack’s passing I have reached out to friends and especially my parents. They are getting older and I don’t want to mess up…..everyday for 10 minutes I talk to my mom. I also don’t reject anymore of her calls. When it comes to dying and loss, it just gets harder. Almost forty, I have a lot to lose in front of me. But Jack reminded me of such an important lesson; never forget to hug, kiss and say I love you to the people in your life. No I am not a fatalist by any means. Just a person blessed with a very special pug. I am going to get the three satchels downstairs. I have an idea which might may it easier on everybody. I am going to take some twisties and latch the satchels together. Jack will be connected and so will we. Hopefully this symbol of Jack latched by three, will help to heal all of us and finally set us free.
To the higher ground lived is what I aspire, today I will do everything to ease my daughter’s impending pain. I bought box a bright green “Peace” box and a wooded letter J. I will paint it and glue it upon the box. I will
fill it with Jack, and all his stuff I have. I know it wont take away the hole in her heart. But maybe someday it will bring her some pleasure, as she looks back on Jack and what a beautiful life.
Born This Way-2016