After coming clean this morning about my mind morphing I believe there are people who really haven’t a clue as to Pure Mania and it’s affects on the brain and body.
As much as I have described it and spoke about various incidences I fear there are a lot of people who are not schooled on mental illness and especially not the rare pure mania I possess.
So I am left at a cross-roads of such-do I keep trying to explain something that the neurologists can’t explain, and I try as I may to describe it in terms of my brain and the fiery brilliance that burns so eloquently? Do I let it go, and not worry I have lost readers who can’t keep up with my thoughts and my revelations? I am not one to work away from a topic, especially one so freaking close to me and myself/
I think I may try another approach. I may take the kit gloves off and really get gritty about what I experience that is far from anyone’s normal and hopeful make a statement at some point in the discussion to the hardship of living not just with rare pure mania, but also with mental illness where I think I really lose a lot of the readers.
Am I Mad with Mania? You bet, and would a neurologist tell you or anyone else otherwise? No!. What does Mad equate to in laymen terms? I haven’t a clue as I am so far from normal and when I feel normality I run and hide in fear of losing my brilliant fire that sets my brain a blaze.
I think I write this more for me, and with time, others will begin to get pieces of it, as some already have and now know what they call bipolar mania is not anything like the mania I seemingly alone in this hemisphere experience. I wish I shared commonality with bipolar patients, or maybe I don’t?, The rapid cycling and up and down smiles to tears behavior is a bit more than I can take. perhaps just going silent on my Pure Mania is the answer. I am aware of it to a certain degree, and I am endeared to the ramifications of such a rare condition.
I have always known and felt different when it came to brains, and mental disorders. I shouldn’t harbor any sadness or ill will for a society that doesn’t get my condition. I was well aware of this fact when I was not open about it, and perhaps, just living it out with its oddities and peculiar nature is best done solitarily and without any judgement or misconceived perceptions as to what Mania Madness is all about.
I think I am going to leave what I have written out there, but not offer further explanation for something I can’t really speak to besides in relationship to me. I know of nobody else with this condition and I would really give most anything to meet the others like me, who struggle to find a place of acceptance and reprieve.
So forget the fire in the brain, the morphing of the mind. It is all well and good, and fine that it is not understood for what it truly is: a sacred gift of the Gods and Angels. I feel rightfully so in writing about Gods and angels because I am a believer of them to a degree and that degree gets me from pain and angst to laughter and gratitude for my twisted brain as some would see it. With no medication to treat it, and no real help, I get the off-putting nature of response to my Mania Madness. Perhaps it is all in the word Madness? I will not replace it with a more pristine word that doesn’t dirty the mind and tarnish the soul.
I am not going to work this hard to explain my demons and my angels in relationship to my Mania Madness. I will and I am ready to write about my angels and demons in the sanctity of my so-called Divine life I know I live and breath with others who are of similar lineage.
Truth is, we are all mentally ill. Yep, there isn’t a person in this world who escapes a DSM-V diagnosis. For that I am sure of. Some people have mild forms and illnesses and others aren’t as fortunate but nobody escapes the DSM-V criteria for one mental illness or another. I believe my casual use of the world Madness losses people on a multitude of levels. Madness in itself is not one dimensional or linear, and breeds itself into many forms with different aspects.
I am moving away from my gritty description of fire in the brain, and when I write and it is relevant I will mention it without worry or much ado about anything I need to further explain. I guess as I have always known, my illness would push away many unable to see the rainbow of kaleidoscopes of madness in one’s brain, and I no longer worry about those who can’t keep up and I have lost along the way. I barely understand it, and comprehend it, so how could I ever expect anyone without a desire for such knowledge to understand me at all in our shared reality.
So there you have it, we will share reality and it will be very different for all of those involved. Many people are eager to discuss Madness and other sorts of ills, but most people want something vanilla and straightforward-I get it and yet I don’t at all. I will save my posts on my pure mania for another blog called DYSORDER where I will speak without a breath to my Mania Madness, and the golden elixir, and the maniac’s hours I live and write by. No I wont disappear from my other blogs, but I need a space or place to figure this out without judgement and correcting others for not getting it. The power of “getting it” resides on me, but there are people not willing to accept the truth of my illness as I have lived it and do live it.
I fill liberated tonight as I write this freeing blog, from the naysayers, the wannabes, and those who it is just too much to handle.
I have plenty of topics to write about that fit nicely in one of my other blogs where we all can share and exchange thoughts and ideas. This DYSORDER blog is not for the faint of heart or those looking for tidy answers. I am afraid from my limited knowledge that the answers are not tidy or pretty, and probably aren’t of interest to people looking for a more centrist blog which a lot of mine are.
We will find a place for my DYSORDER and from there I will soar with freedom I have not experienced as I remained shackled to the common ideas and topics of most of my blogs. I am free and you the reader without interest needn’t run away, as I will separate the illness, from the me that is filled with the pure bliss of writing for you the reader and will work extra hard to meld topics together that make my writing more interesting and on target for a win-win compatibility with my faithful readers.
DYSORDER is something I need, probably not you the reader unless this sort of subject speaks to you. I think it is all set and I will write for my DSYORDER BLOG and my maniacal musings where my greatest readership is located and I am so indebted to. These readers are located close to me and waiting for my next post. I feel your warmth, as I reel in the Mania, and put it in a different spot to be read by only those who want to follow me on this journey. It will not be closed, as anything I write is for all of my readers, whether I hit the mark or not. Developing audiences which I am doing at this moment is scary and my anorexia readers have taught me so much about keeping up with the story lines and giving them the hope, the help, the support that only a fellow anorexic can provide.
We are really good here at this moment. I am eager to write to my broader base and follow up with my new audience I seek to build in my blog DSYORDER.
I will be writing a lot of readers tonight-something I hope for everyone. And let it never be lost I am so grateful to each one of my readers, that forces me to face the darkness of the early morning to blog to you, who have bought into me, and helped me grow so much as a person and a writer. A really heartfelt Thank You is in order for all of you. Enjoy that which I write that touches you, and never mind the other stuff that isn’t for you at this time or ever given who you are and what you like.
Peace out to from this #AMED up and #HECTIC maniac who will bring normalcy to my blogs for my precious readers. For those on the ride of DYSORDER here we go. Let the mayhem begin. See you back on Maniacal Musing.
BORN THIS WAY-2016