Do You Believe in Intellectual Majik?

I come from a long lineage of debaters of almost anything worthwhile and  playful; summoning as thd404cbe230168eb471437f5c65555914ought-provoking discourse. I grew up in a family where my first word was why? and so it will also be my last word as well.

I question most things worthwhile in a  discourse of discussion but not discord. Many people are uncomfortable with discourse and are not used to having their perspectives  or views challenged in the gentlest ways to provoke further thought and hopefully progression of a given topic.

This is a short rant on those people who can not tolerate being challenged in their thoughts because they play a zero-sum game of conversation where they assume they are right, and well in my world, nobody is right and all conversations and most important topics lend and bend to further  discussion with the hopes of a grandeur understanding of a subject, where perhaps more questions than answers are discerned.

I had the unsavory experience of a person who I thought was secure in their intellect, only to find out in the most unpleasant manner that this was not the case and offense was taken and walls built to exclude further debate or discussion over something I reveled in the idea of growing my trite and uneducated thoughts at the experience that unbridled discourse on the subject matter would have  expounded.

Why is  it we live in a society where everyone has to be right, that notions are set in stone and ideas are no longer fluid like water filling an empty space taking on new shape and form with each further discussion that transpires?

I can not for the life of me identify with people so caught up in being “right” in their minds that they leave no room for growth or expansion or even descent of their original views. I thrive when I meet a person who makes me think, makes me question, pushes me forward to go back and think further, perhaps differently, and contemplate a new semi-permanent answer or better yet further questions than I never originally asked.

I don’t live to be right: I live to think, to be spurred on by novel thoughts and new ideas, my mediocre brain has yet to think or ponder.

This is what I mourn today: the future discourse that was capable of pushing my brain to new levels of thought and processes has been decimated. All because of an ego too great for the challenges that might lay ahead, I am denied the opportunity with this fine person to grow my mind and my thoughts.

Here’s looking to making better judgements about people and their securities with themselves and their insecurities with knowing they really no nothing and discourse is just a means of bringing some slight closure to answers without questions and questions without answers.

You know who you are-our discussions will be sorely missed.

Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2K17

 

 

 

 

Precipice of Authenticity

It is far from a secret to most that I am an Ally to the transgender world. In my few years of meeting and getting to know some of the most beautiful people, I have come to realize just how brave every transgender person truly is.

In a world where meretricious people finagle  nothing more than Instagram pictures, Facebook posts, and fleeting Snapchat fades, we as a society have relegated ourselves to nothing more than a wile quip or image on some form of social media.

It is rare that we get to truly know a person beyond the façade of posts and images, and when we do we are often disappointed by the discrepancy of the social media world and the real world. It takes an act of bravery to allow someone to get to know us beyond the fey walls and cages of social media these days.

There is one major reason for this apparent discord in what we “post to be” and what who we actually are: authenticity. Nefarious behavior and people decimate the validity of all forms of social media in these days of virtual reality which has replaced in person formalities.

Authenticity is what makes people real: makes them true and tried friends, makes them people we truly want to know and are ultimately interested in, but the façade of social media and invidious people acts as a fortress of a delusional mirror to forsake and forgo such intimate and real interaction.

Transgender people are polymaths and  have had much to actually deal with when it comes to authenticity-we all do for that matter but it is much more glaring for obvious reasons in the transgender community in a world where they must evince.

Transgender people must decide at some point in their lives if they are to live in mendacity or as their true selves; to embrace their laudatory natural-born truth to whatever extent they are comfortable and capable of doing and brave the world nekkid in their soul’s reality for the entire world to see and sadly malignly judge, with mendacity a lot of the time.

I have no greater appreciation, apotheosis or awe for the transgender person who steps outside of their lived selves  and decides to shed the costumes and the protections of necessity and bear their succor truths for the world to see, love, and in lots of cases reject and hate. It is called transition by many folks in the transgender community, but it is more of a self-actualization of sorts where one’s true self is finally recognized for all to see and bare witness after years of living as someone they were not and never were.It is a catharsis of sorts. Of course transgender people are real, and their personalities, love, friends, relationships are real even though they themselves are not living their BIG and truly only TRUTH prior to their brave avatar of self.

Lots of times this someone who they are not, is a person who has been quite successful, perhaps married and had children, and spent their entire life being loved and admired by friends and family who may have not had any idea that the true person inside the body which doesn’t match the soul is not the TRUTH in gender at the very least. They have built full lives filled with undeniable memories and experiences which make facing and braving transition all the more painful on the way to the greatest form of liberation.

Authenticity is something we as humans struggle undoubtedly mitigating our entire lives to overcome this debacle and actualized to the best of our abilities to mollify if we are inclined to seek our inner-most truths and realities. Transgender people face this formidable task straight on, imputing  the moment they decide to break free, scuttling from the prisons within which they have lived their entire lives, now ready to  gambol and  decide to free themselves, imputing to  be their true selves whatever that may look like.

I find it ironic that so many transgender people look to the cis-gender world for guidance and assurance when that couldn’t be farther from what should be happening. Cis-gender people have so much to learn from transgender people regarding truth, honesty, and most of all authenticity.

See transgender people in order to traverse the landscape from former self to true self have no choice but to deal with the issue of authenticity on some level, and well the same is not true for cis-gender people at all. A cis-gender person can live their entire life without every searching for their authentic self or actualized their authentic selves if they are not brave enough to choose so. This can not be said for the transgender person who bravely choses to transition in their life to embrace their inner most truth, which many have come to realize is not a choice or an option but a necessity to take their next breath.

Authenticity is not a destination but a journey regardless of who or what we are. Courage, bravery, sadness, loss, enlightenment, and freedom to name a few are all part and parcel of a circuitous pathway to a lifetime of empowerment and uncertainty. But through the quest for personal authenticity we are guaranteed a journey and a life lived with freedom and self-actualization that surpasses any road block that comes with the pursuit of our personal truth.

Very few people have the honest and courageous ability to look into the mirror that is not faded or cracked and face the undeniable search of their true selves in this world; where we are not rewarded by society for being our authentic selves in part and parcel. Coming out of closets, out of caves, freeing ourselves from shackles, coming out from under rocks are all amazing and beautiful transitions that lead to self actualization of our beings but guarantee nothing but personal satisfaction and the incredulous truth that we are who and what we are supposed to be. There is nothing more beautiful and more priceless for a human being participating in this world than realizing deep truths about ourselves and the people we are meant to be here on this earth.

As an intersex person I have spent a great deal of my life working through my authenticity in this world where I really didn’t fit in. I worked hard, I went to therapy, I created my own universe and lived a life without pronouns to be clear.

As I crested forty I felt liker I was in a good and solid place with myself, and the truth I figured out about myself over the ensuing years left me in a solid place as a parent, student and partner. I was quite sure of who I was, and lived accordingly in this world where the world received me as my reality defined me.

All this changed as does authenticity over time, but my change was sudden and drastic and not one I was comfortable with in the least.  This past January I found myself dependent on opiates from a fall I suffered in August. Prior to the opiate dependence I was a successful parent, student, partner and worker on a National Presidential Campaign, who had started a political group following the election which was quite successful and gaining momentum. The opiate dependency left me fractured, disposing of the rest of the prescription and going cold-turkey off the opiates into a whirlwind of vicious withdrawals.

The opiate dependence started a cascade of punitive actions from other health care professionals even though I did the right thing by tossing the rest of the prescription and withdrawing instantly from them. I was found non-compliant with a controlled substance and hence found to be unworthy of any other controlled substance I was being prescribed. This made little sense to me, as I could have stayed dependent and gotten the opiate prescription month after month without any medical intervention.

As a person with pure mania and vicious anxiety I was prescribed controlled substances of Adderall and Xanax at very high but approved dosages. These prescriptions were no longer an option with my provider so after twelve years I faced a barbaric 16 day medical detox off both drugs. I never thought it was right or in my best interest.

I went through the medical detox in March of 2K17 and suffered tremendously from the withdrawals and dependence. I was put on a host of other drugs to try to combat the anxiety I was dealing with but nothing worked. My authenticity was non-existent during the weeks following my detox. I knew nothing of who I was or where I was heading. I was in pure survival mode.

As the weeks passed and now I have surpassed two months since leaving the hospital I see a glimmer of who I was and still who I believe to be. Loved ones comment that I suffer from slurred speech, have lazy eyes and move more slowly, but I am here somewhere in this mess of medical mayhem.

I want everything to be the way it was-for my authenticity to be the secure facet I knew it to be. That is not the case, sure I am still me, no pronouns, in my own universe, but my confidence and my effect as well as my physical looks are off. It has only been two months and lots of progress since those initial days has been made. I want what I was, and the TRUTH is my authenticity changed dramatically and now I must figure out my new, evolved truth and embrace it even if it hurts and causes me pain, loss, and grief. We are always changing, we just like to think we have ultimate control over our changes as we grow deeper into our authenticity.

Being truthful is paramount to authenticity and it was glaring until today in a major part of my life:my Facebook community. I had not been honest or forthcoming with my on-line community that has become an extension of my family with some friends becoming more than just social media acquaintances and even some meeting in person. It has nagged on me for a month that I couldn’t return to Facebook without first facing my truth to the community. I didn’t want to be seen as an ordinary addict, for whatever reason I don’t see myself that way.

Sitting in church this morning it came to me that I missed my Facebook community and they deserved my TRUTH as ugly as it might appear. I bravely and painful crafted a post in summary detailing what I had been through. I tagged certain people on it and while I was writing it a huge wave of grief and sadness overtook me and drew me to tears I could not escape. They flowed freely for quite some time and I wasn’t really sure where the pain was coming from. As I sat with the grief it became apparent that I was filled with shame and guilt because in my mind THIS was never supposed to happen to me. I let the tears flow, I finished the post and I sent it.

This was the first major step in reclaiming and figuring out my new authenticity that has definitely changed my appearance, and my social effects, but perhaps not quite so much more was established today. I was left feeling today that there was more of me left past the physical ailments than there was parts of me that were newly  deficient in nature. Three weeks ago, I was unable to write freely and had to think and concentrate on each word. Now like times of old, I can readily type sentences and paragraphs without pausing to think about the next thought.

Facing Facebook was a major challenge and it hung over my head. I knew I had to be truthful to be a member of my community but I didn’t know how to do it. The response to my post has been nothing short of incredible. People have offered advice, shared similar experiences and let me know just how cared for I am in this community.

Today my authenticity is solid with changes to my physical being and my motor skills, but my mind and my soul which truly makes me, me are whole and not broken like I feared. I learned my authenticity will forever be changing and growing as I am, but my core, the part that makes me Corey is solid and something I can count on and so can others.

I weep gratitude and I ooze my evolving authenticity.

Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2k17

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

New Madness As I Know It-A Series Part 1

My life has been a series of jarring events since January when I found myself dependent on opiates for a traumatic fall I took last August where I broke something on every limb.

I have always been petrified of addiction or dependence as my late father was a raging alcoholic who tormented my family until my parents got divorced when I was a young teenager.

I was never one to try illicit drugs, drink in high school, or even try a cigarette. Forget about pot, it was out of the question. I knew I had my father’s addictive personality as I was similar to him in many ways. Drinking was something that scared me through high school and being a promising athlete looking to go to college on a full scholarship, my body was basically my temple.

Once I got to college drinking took on a new social meaning and by my sophomore year I spent the spring semester imbibing on Absolute and pink lemonade everyday instead of going to classes I really didn’t need to show up at. I was also heavily involved in the gay club scene at the time in Boston and went out to various clubs Thursday through Sunday nights. My MO was to do a shot or two of Tequila and spend the rest of the night dancing on the floor with a friend with whom I had no romantic interest. I was basically out for the music and dance and the Tequila made it all the more relaxing and liberating.

That was the extent of my drinking in college and I never developed a taste for it or a desire for it outside the club scene.

When I started working in the financial industry I found myself going out a lot more but my drinking was very limited. I basically could not hold more than one drink so I would buy a drink, usually vodka and sprite with lime, and sip it for the duration of my time out. I did go through a brief period one summer with a particular roommate where we froze glasses and made nightly gin and tonics during the summer months prior to making dinner. I never worried about having a problem, for whenever I got on a roll of consecutive drinking I would immediately stop to make sure I could stop and also to make sure I didn’t like it too much.

When I turned twenty-nine I developed unexplained panic attacks like the ones my mother suffered when she turned forty. I was unable to ride the subway underground and suffered periods of sheer panic and fear that left my soul vacant without any substance. I went to see my primary care and he put me on the classic cocktail at the time for panic disorder: Klonopin and Paxil. Within months I was better and even able to fly to my sister’s house in Atlanta for Christmas.

The rest of my story, broken into parts is not so clean or sterile. It is filled with polypharmacy, misdiagnosis and maligned mental health treatment that would affect my entire life until now when I decided not to be a patient or a prisoner to psychotropic drugs and do everything I can to take back my life. I hope you will continue to read my ride through psychiatry and the world of big pharma.

Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2017

 

Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2017

 

 

 

 

Dedicated To The Old Man-Social Media Bashing and Gaslighting

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You have bashed and gas lighted me daily. I asked you nicely to stop, and it only fed your fire. It is now with the lawyers and I am moving on as this meme completely sums me up and where I am headed. I guess,  thank you for teaching me such hard lessons. I will not ever forget them.

Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

U-ME Getting Engaged-Holidays and Year of 2016 End on Great Swing!

I am so looking forward to tonight! It has been days since Stephanie and I have been able to be a real couple as we have had my Bella, and we are not anything more than friends with each other when Bella is around.

I had Bella after school until it was time for swim practice and then we headed to the pool and my ex-wife will pick her up at 6 pm and keep her as she hasn’t seen anything of Bella since Sunday really. I love having Bella but it was a lot for Stephanie and I as we had some major talking to do about our lives and last night I sprung it on her about getting engaged this weekend while Bella is away with her swim team to an away meet.

Stephanie and I have texted today which we never do, and we are both extremely excited to talk about the engagement and then moving in together. I sprung this weekend on her last night while Bella was asleep and we haven’t had U-ME time to sit together and talk, although Stephanie definitely wants to get engaged this weekend. If we don’t do it this weekend we would have to wait until New Years Eve and we don’t want our engagement to be New Years Eve. Tomorrow we are out at Bella’s band and chorus holiday concert so tonight is the only time we have to talk about getting engaged this weekend. Stephanie is so excited and so am I-although I have to come up with the engagement setting and plan and surprise Stephanie. I have had the ring in my safe for months now, and I can not wait to give it to her, and see what I hope will be happy tears. I tried really hard in designing this ring to show Stephanie and the world just how much she means to me. I am going for the WOW factor for sure on this one. I am so happy yet scared about getting engaged and getting married again. I am divorced because I wasn’t a good partner although I really tried. I pray I have been through enough therapy to be a great partner and take Stephanie and her needs into consideration always, and know now it is not the same as not being engaged. This changes everything and a lot actually just between Stephanie and I. There is less of just Corey and more of Corey and Stephanie. I have to ask her if I get to keep my study and have a similar space when we move to the ocean. I have really gotten accustomed to the study- I think as long as I can have my study I am fine with whatever else she wants to change and we are not moving into my old bedroom we are moving into the biggest room in the house that is currently empty. I need to call painters tomorrow and see if anyone can paint the room over the weekend while we are away.

I don’t think it makes much sense to try to rush the move although I know she really wants to be here. I have stuff to move to storage and I will be having surgery in the next couple of weeks. We have picked out our bedroom set at Ethan Allen and need to place the order and get it delivered as soon as possible. I think waiting until after the New Year makes the most sense but once we tell my ex wife and Bella my divorce allows for third parties as long as marriage is impending. Meaning, we will be able to be a couple in front of Bella and share a bedroom and all that because we are in engaged. Stephanie knows about this somewhat but I think me spelling it out will really help her with a move in date after the holidays. We will put a rush on our furniture order and we have picked out the colors of our new bedroom and sort of the theme. Stephanie did meet me half way and I don’t feel it is too girlie. I am giving up my room now that is currently all industrial and moving towards more grown up and classy styles with simple and modern lines.

I am making Stephanie stuffed shells I made for Bella last night. I am almost done getting it ready for her and I believe after such late nights and I have a foot appointment with the surgeon tomorrow at 1:30pm so I bet we eat, get ready for bed, and go lay down to talk and talk about our future. I will be very busy tomorrow making plans for our get away and the engagement, going to my doctor’s appointment, and then we have to be at Bella’s school no later than 6:45pm. The concert starts at 7 pm.

I am so looking forward to tonight and have a bottle of Perrier Jouet I will probably open for us to have a celebratory toast to and hold my breath for the next couple of days. I have so much to do, and the engagement is all on me as I would never have it any other way.

I will write all the details after Friday and I know Stephanie will not be reading the blog until we get back either Sunday night or Monday morning. I think we will both want to come home and make phone calls on Sunday night and I have so much with school and with my personal finances to get in order before Tuesday is over for sure.

I hear her now coming into the house and saying hello! I am off to finish her dinner and get ready for a dream I never imagined would come true. I never thought she would like me-never mind, marry me, and I didn’t think I would risk what we had as best friends for the entire package. A year ago my life was so different and I was so unhappy and out of my element with that damn junkie in my life. Those days are long over, and I don’t think about the junkie except for when I think I was with the junkie and now I have this beautiful and brilliant woman who loves me to death and I feel it and know her feelings to be true.

I will be back to write during the maniac’s hours about our night and our plans for the next month or so. I think we are just both over the moon with sharing tonight and making out loose plans for the move , etc.

I will be back within hours and finish this blog. Have a wonderful night and enjoy my friends! *****

Well last night was awesome and Stephanie and I got most of the things we needed to resolved and have a pretty structured plan for the future. She came home and I was finishing up the stuffed shells for her, and she came in where I left off on this post.

We ate dinner and talked right from the get go. She definitely wants to get engaged this weekend if it all a possibility. I can now say after early morning phone calls and making arrangements it is a possibility and is going to happen for sure.  I was able to make the plans I was hoping for and just made it by the skin of my teeth. They were very close to being sold out but suites were still available. I can’t say anything more until tomorrow when I know Stephanie is not going to read this.

After dinner, as I called it, we got ready for bed and headed to bed to snuggle and talk about the entire holiday season and our plans. Stephanie agreed although she wishes it were different, that moving in together has to wait until after the New Year. She wanted really badly to be living together before the holidays were over, but we can’t do it and enjoy the holidays, and get the new bedroom hooked up in time. I called painters and I am waiting for a confirmation on getting the room painted this weekend. We have to go to Home Depot after Stephanie gets out of  work to pick up the colors and tape for our room. We are using three colors two on the wall and one on the trim around the windows and all the doors. I need to tape the design and hopefully one of the painters can drop by tomorrow so I can explain what should be painted with the right color. The design is pretty cool, I have done a lot of them from straight bands to complicated designs in Bella’s room here. I will tape it tonight after the concert and Stephanie says she wants to watch and learn how to do it. It should be really easy for the painters, as the tape guides them completely with the design.

I am so psyched I was able to get the plans I wanted for this weekend. I know it isn’t a surprise but Stephanie will be surprised with the plan and the events and hopefully blown away with the ring. I can’t forget the ring! I am now all set with my calls, and after the painters call back everything will be in place for this weekend. I called to order the bedroom set and it will be available for delivery and set up in ten days. Everything is moving along just really well.

I need to leave the house at 12:30pm for my surgeon’s appointment for my bunion on my right foot. Right now I am awaiting a surgery date on my right hand so the surgeon can fuse my thumb joint. He told me this would not be pleasant so hopefully I will take my pain medication and not be too miserable.

Just got a call and my appointment today has been rescheduled which given the impending surgery on my right thumb isn’t a bad thing. I just rescheduled it for the New Year as I will still be coming out of the fusion surgery with my thumb. I have to get as much Christmas stuff done as soon as possible because I will be probably having my surgery around the middle of this month.


Okay was cleaning out my bedroom closet while Stephanie was at work because I knew I had thrown stuff in there but I wasn’t sure what or whom it belongs to…..I found amongst other miscellaneous items that don’t belong to me three size 34C bras-obviously not mine and I know not Stephanie’s. What was I thinking? I wasn’t obviously. I used to keep a bra as a souvenir but that was a long time ago. I have purposefully kept one vodka bottle in a burlap bag with one red hot bra 34D and I do know whom that belongs to and that is why I kept it-I did show it to Stephanie and told her the whole story but really I don’t think she needs to see or find these meaningless bras in my closet. I have a pictorial collection from a playboy centerfold I dated that are all signed with messages to me….Stephanie isn’t happy about it but I think for now if I put it into storage I will at least buy some time to come to terms with giving it up-it is just the fact that I dated a playboy centerfold and as I write I realize how seriously ridiculous I am and at forty I need to grow up. I really get it but I just turned forty so a little bit of a break, no?


Stephanie and I are going to rent a storage unit and before I have my surgery move the things out of my place that are going to storage. Since Stephanie is putting most of her stuff in storage she will have movers do it and can bring the rest over I believe without much help. The painters are coming this weekend while we are away, and the furniture sans mattress will be here in a little over a week. We have to pick out and shop for a new queen size mattress that will fit up flights of stairs.  I am glad I took a once over look at my room and spared poor Stephanie the angst of bras I don’t even know whom they belong to which makes the bras even more of a problem for me really! Omg, I will tell her about them tonight as we keep no secrets and well yes she does read my blogs I think. That is not the only reason I am telling her-I think it is her right to know but I am really glad she didn’t find them and I was able to toss them. Somethings still sting and I was not easy for Stephanie when I was out being crazy with God knows who and since none of them matter at all-not even a friendship I want to salvage as it was just plain bad fun and I am in love, getting engaged and moving in with my fiancée really soon.


I am already dressed for tonight’s concert and I have khakis on with a gray cashmere sweater with my safety pin for any of you in the know. If you don’t know about wearing a safety pin I am pretty sure you don’t need to know because those who know, know its importance……


I have lit my afternoon candle and put electric candles in the windows in the kitchen. I am just needing to finish eating my leftover shells and take care of Julia Bleu who will be very surprised when I leave her tonight.


Well that is all the 411 on U-ME. I had a very productive day and I will post this as I am not sure how much blogging I will get in between tomorrow and Sunday. I will be asking Stephanie to be my wife for life. I pray with my heart she says yes and makes my dream come true. She is such a stellar and beautiful woman from the outside to the inside. Feeling very blessed this holiday season. Looking forward to the concert tonight where there will be sing a long carols which we both love.


Corey


BORN THIS WAY-2016